to jane

From my journal - 14 August 2008

"It is so different entering nursing homes when you're not going to sing with Sweetwine. I always loved going and talking with all of the residents- but its so different if you can recognize a face. I wish more than anything that Grandpa was doing better. I cannot say that me and my grandpa are the closest of buddies, but I still have so many fond memories of him - like his delicious hash browns and his unconditional love for Grandma (and stray cats). Mom keeps telling me this will be the last time I see him and its hard to imagine him not sitting at the head of the table at holiday meals. When we got to the nursing home, he was doing surprisingly better than anyone had expected. He was sitting up and eating a classy hospital special- salisbury steak... It breaks my heart I won't be here for my dad should he pass away in my absence. Grandma was overwhelmingly positive, telling Grandpa to "eat up so he can get all better." I hope there is truth in her hopes!! I once again realized my mom is the most beauitful and giving person in the entire world- I know Grandpa appreciated all of the back rubs and attention and foot massages.... I think Grandpa remembers me though. Maybe not the 18-21 year old me but I think he sees a little blonde curly haired girl in his memories. He definitely remembers Dad- I will never forget when they made eye contact and both smiled today. I told Grandma I was going to bring her an elephant home from Africa and she said "I hope you mean an elephant ear!" Haha. So cute. It was very hard to say goodbye to both Grandma and Grandpa. Although, I promised Grandpa he would meet Cameron at Christmas - and I mean it."

Rest in peace Grandpa Carl, I love you and know you're with me.